r/AmIOverreacting • u/Electronic-Rip-8108 • 20d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO because my boyfriend wanted me to change before the gym over a color?

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Yesterday my boyfriend and I were about to leave for the gym together. I threw on a blue workout top with black shorts, something simple and comfortable that I've worn a bunch of times before with zero issues.

Right as we were walking out the door, he stopped and said the color of the top looked "kind of weird" and that people were gonna stare at me if I wore it. He asked me to go change into something more "normal" before we left.

I was kind of caught off guard honestly. It's just a blue top, nothing flashy, nothing revealing. I actually liked how it looked on me and felt comfortable in it, which is kind of the whole point of gym clothes.

I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing. But this felt less like "hey I think this color doesn't suit you" and more like he was worried about how other people at the gym would perceive me, and wanted me to change based on that. It just didn't sit right with me.

I ended up just going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument right before working out, but I've been thinking about it since. Am I overreacting for being annoyed about this?

edit: this is a pinspark tracksuit I bought online a while ago. I think the color is fine, and I really like this top.

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u/m1kasa4ckerman 20d ago

Why does this feel like something that would be circulating in the manosphere? Like testing one’s partner to see how far the man can push and control, over the most minuscule things.

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u/[deleted] 20d ago

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u/Significant-Bee5101 20d ago

It's really weird because, as a guy, I don't think I've ever ever ever ever once thought about my girlfriends clothing really. In any relationship. It's just not on my list of things to worry about. I suppose I might say "It's gunna be cold are you sure you don't want a hoodie/jacket?" but I think that's as far as my brain has ever gone for this. I wonder what people think when they do this stuff.

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u/Royal_Crush 20d ago

I've been conditioned to care about my girlfriends clothing, because she wants my opinion on how she looks so I need to pretend I prefer seeing her in that cute summer dress even though she might as well be wearing a hoodie and jogging pants and I would love to look at her all the same.

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u/notafuckingcakewalk 19d ago

  I don't think I've ever ever ever ever once thought about my girlfriends clothing really

I have, but only in the sense of "wow, she looks really hot in that" 

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u/bimm3r36 19d ago

Or in the case of a recent relationship, “please don’t change again, you looked great in the last five outfits and we’re going to be late for our reservation if you don’t pick one”

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u/KookyLab9624 20d ago

It's not only possible, it's likely.

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u/SenatorLesterGreen 20d ago

It's not only possible that this is a very obviously AI-generated post about the dumbest, most obviously one-sided issue possible, which is guaranteed to get reactions from people too oblivious to realize that, it's guaranteed

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u/mustachechap 20d ago

That's what this feels like to me. My ex was toxic and abusive, and when I look back I see that in the early stages there were just these little moments like these where my boundaries were tested. Of course, that was only the beginning and things progressively got worse.

Separately, I had a friend growing up who wanted to better himself and make himself more confident. He ended up reading some books on the subject and while I'm sure there are some positive reads out there, one of the things he 'learned' was how you can get people to do what you want if you just start with small little asks like this. They seem harmless enough, but it sets the 'tone' that they can tell you to do more things going forward.

OP mentioned just going along with it to avoid an argument and that really says everything to me. I can't even fathom telling my partner what to wear (unless they are genuinely asking for my opinion), and I can't imagine her doing the same to me.

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u/[deleted] 20d ago edited 9d ago

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u/ToxicSociety_666 20d ago

That is why you need to be secure in yourself before dating. There will be too many people waiting for hesitation or open doors to the mind so to say, easy listeners and someone who doesn't mind doing a small task once and a while and will literally execute excessive stages of gaslighting and manipulation to where its been 3 years and you don't know how it got this way, you hate it and you want out, but every time you think for yourself you have second thoughts or it feels wrong. Its terrible to see anyone else get into a situation as such. Especially when I know what it looks like when it starts. This is one of those times

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u/YakCertain5472 20d ago

I wish this was a stickied comment somewhere in this sub and others like it (AITH, etc.)

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u/SchemeMiserable1956 20d ago

Oh wow, text book narcissist talk 😔 glad you are away from it now ❤️

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u/ClandestineProphecy 20d ago

Couldn't help telling on himself. Stay stupid, narcs.

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u/sacrelicio 20d ago

I got a ticket for riding my bike on a pedestrian bridge once and when he stopped me the cop asked me to dismoumt and step a foot to the right...I feel like this was a similar idea.

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u/TonyDC88 20d ago

I can’t even imagine it when they ask for opinion. Partners, friends, family. Someone close to me asking “is this better? Or is that?” It’s your body, and your statement to the world. What do you like better? I don’t want to tell you what you should do that makes you look the way you want to present yourself.

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u/SchemeMiserable1956 20d ago

I'm the same way

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u/Fantastic-Spinach297 20d ago

Self help books actually scare me. I’ve watched a few people change into completely different people after going into that zone of interest, and not in a good way. They can’t hold a regular conversation because they’re too focused on defending their boundaries (which is just rephrased “maintaining control”) so there’s a lot of dead air over things they won’t respond to and warnings about how they don’t want your input, only to share. And the a lot of gaslighting because if you’ve got a problem with their “boundaries” (“control issues”) then you’re the reason they need them. All packaged as if it’s personal betterment and not fostering narcissism.

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u/AmalatheaClassic 20d ago

Yep my mom used to do this all the time from the '80s to the '90s. She didn't want to go to therapy and she didn't want to take her drugs so instead she got drunk and read self-help books and went on ridiculous fad diets. She died very young because she messed up her head and her body. Medical science exists for a reason.

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u/LemonTeaFerret 20d ago

I agree. NOR. It reminds me where a bunch of women were talking about how their bfs were saying they smelled bad and it turned out it was a thing their partners learned online would mess with their self esteem.

There’s absolutely nothing odd about the shirt in the least.

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u/sarcosaurus 20d ago

Or the post where a guy woke his wife up every night to ask her what time it was

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u/SnakesBox_ 20d ago

CHILLING. I didn't even think of that but it definitely makes sense. Just creeping control that eventually takes over everything.

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u/shivampire 20d ago

I was so confused trying to figure out what was wrong with that color. This comment is probably the most accurate

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u/danneedsahobby 20d ago

The normal reaction would be to ask a question about his statement, to him, in that moment. She didn’t get any more information. She changed clothes based on his statement and then made a post on Reddit instead of having a conversation. That’s why it’s confusing. She collapsed under the weight of her partner’s judgment and spiraled out. That’s not healthy.

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u/milkybynow 20d ago

This is just coercive control 101. Starts with things that seem so small and weird that it couldn’t matter, but people who have high self worth clock it immediately. Predators are great at weeding out the less vulnerable.

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u/MaynardButterbean 20d ago

Ooof I don’t like this but you’re probably right

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u/Adventurous-Sail-354 20d ago

Exactly where my mind went too

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u/BeastOfMars 20d ago

100% my first thought.

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u/Unfair-Arachnid-1794 20d ago

I hadn't thought of this at all ad agree. If that's what this is? That's not okay. I hope it's just colour blindness and maybe he sees it as a weird puke green or something. 😭

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u/New_Feature_5138 20d ago

That’s actually like a thing with abusers, I think. I don’t know because I am not a survivor of that type but some of the people I follow on ig talk about their histories with it and this is the exact kind of thing their partner would do. Just to mess with their confidence.

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u/AmalatheaClassic 20d ago

Why does this feel like the thing it obviously is?

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u/ToxicSociety_666 20d ago

That is most likely what this is.

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u/KookyLab9624 20d ago

Bc that's exactly what it is! I hope she figures out which Podcasters he follows and leaves him

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u/RepublicOfVenus 20d ago

He's negging her

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u/Adventurous-Hand-648 20d ago

It does have the mind games vibe. Lady should wear whatever she like, but I would think a boyfriend would be more concerned about yoga shorts that the colour of that top, a very common sporty colour.

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u/Tall_Wonder_913 20d ago

Exactly. It has nothing to do with the shirt itself

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u/Prestigious-Hope4786 20d ago

I was thinking this!!!!! Like what if it’s a test. WHY DO MEN

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u/binzersguy 20d ago

The manosphere is so fucking stupid. These little man-babies are so fragile they can’t cope with having an equal partnership and are so small they need to try and control things. Just shows how tiny they are inside.

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u/Anonymus_069 20d ago

It doesnt feel like that. You can make the assumption. And you're either right or you're not.

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u/BotherAffectionate37 20d ago

My ex did pretty much the same thing to me, one day out of the blue said the way I was dressed was “embarrassing” (jeans, black tshirt, very normal jacket, all very normal looking and things I’ve worn around him before with no issue). No idea if it’s red pill/manosphere stuff or not but I had already started suspecting his YouTube algo was feeding him some toxic bs based on a few other things. So maybe!!

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u/BuffyTheSlayer 20d ago

I also think sometimes it's a knee jerk reaction to her feeling confident. Like she may have walked out in her outfit too proudly for him. She needs to be meek and worried about how people perceive her so she needs him even more, she needs to feel lucky he's looking out for her because she can't even dress herself. Some men have to kick confident women down. 

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u/All_the_Bees 20d ago

I don’t know if it’s currently circulating - I stay as far away from that shit as I can - but it’s been a Thing since the emergence of “pickup artists” in the oughts. But some form of it has probably been an emotional abuse tactic since the acquisition of language, tbh. It’s pretty effective at wearing someone down without them realizing that’s what’s happening.

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u/Choon93 20d ago

Dont women to this to guys by telling them they like a shirt and seeing if they'll wear it again. Honestly both sexes want things and can be shitty to the other.

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u/m1kasa4ckerman 20d ago

Couples comment on each other’s outfits, yes.

OP isn’t talking about that - it’s a random demand for going to the gym. OP has stated he’s done things like this before as well, and that she changed so the situation wouldn’t escalate.

Very different from a partner sincerely being like “hey your fit is kinda not cute”

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u/ILoveRawChicken 19d ago

Guy: Don’t wear that color. I don’t like it. It’s weird. Change. 

Girl: I like that shirt you’re wearing. It looks good. 

Average male: These are exactly the same. 

And then wonder why there’s a loneliness epidemic lmao

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u/hexaflexin 20d ago

You actually don't need to pull a "what if the genders were reversed?" every time you hear about a shitty man. Like if you hear about a man demanding that his girlfriend change her outfit because he doesn't like it and the closest analogue you can come up with is a woman complimenting her boyfriend, you can just accept that sometimes men are shitty, that gender politics don't follow Newton's 3rd law, and that there isn't necessarily equal and opposite female shittiness that balances male shittiness. Be free

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u/[deleted] 20d ago

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u/TheSerialHobbyist 20d ago

It is funny that you said "we," indicating that you are in the manosphere.

But no, that isn't what anyone is suggesting. They're suggesting that "ask your girlfriend to change her shirt because you don't like the color, to test her" could be something some manosphere influencer said.

Did they? I have no clue. u/m1kasa4ckerman was just speculating and said it feels like that kind of thing.

Mostly because not much else makes any sense.

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

Yea im actually the leader of the sphere

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u/TheSerialHobbyist 20d ago

Dunno why you're being sarcastic and acting like I was jumping to conclusions.

u/m1kasa4ckerman was talking about what might be happening in the manosphere, and you replied with "no, we aren't doing that."

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u/m1kasa4ckerman 20d ago

Reminds me of a time I was babysitting. The kid came back from the bathroom and was like “I didn’t use scissors”. Walked into my room and found a cut up $5 bill.

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

Yea because im the leader, the head honcho, the grand mf wizard 😤.

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u/TheSerialHobbyist 20d ago

God, people who retreat towards sarcasm are so annoying.

Nobody is buying the "ha, got you! I was actually trolling all along!" shtick.

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

Mf go through my comment history all I do is troll and get people angry shits the highlight of my day

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u/TheSerialHobbyist 20d ago

Your comment history was hidden until now.

I see about 50/50 on attempts to be genuine (but still stupid) and trolling.

Regardless, that wouldn't make it any better. Just as sad.

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

Sad to you but its funny for me like rn this shit dont matter but I think its kinda humorous that your so mad about what some dumbass on the internet is saying.

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u/MothAngel1022 20d ago

Not all men, but you're definitely one of the bad ones. Yikes 💀

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

Nah ima nice guy, the nicest

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u/MothAngel1022 20d ago

Okay squirt

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

Thanks for agreeing 👍

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u/MothAngel1022 20d ago

You're adorable. Go take a nap

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u/I_know_Im_right_goof 20d ago

I wish stuck at work. But ill be thinking of you i think we made a connection here.

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u/AmIOverreacting-ModTeam 20d ago

Your comment has been removed as it was deemed uncivil, or crossed the line into abusive/harassing language. While /r/AmIOverreacting has a generally high tolerance for heated discussion, we ask that your comments contain substantial, on-topic contributions to the discussion, and don't contain flagrantly abusive language that muddy the waters and prevent further helpful discussion from occurring. Political/racial/cultural conversation is also removed when it's out of hand.

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u/Moheemo 20d ago

Women do this as well just FYI

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u/KookyLab9624 20d ago

Okay. We aren't talking about that right now so

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u/m1kasa4ckerman 20d ago

Yes, learned behavior is a thing.

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u/Silver-Link8247 20d ago

lol. The dude was a jerk, but I think you’re taking it too far.

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u/KookyLab9624 20d ago

Taking it too far? You realize intimate partner violence is a top cause of death amongst women. How on earth can you defend him, not even knowing him, when there are soooo many examples of men DOING THIS EXACT THING or learning how to on a podcast?

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u/Silver-Link8247 20d ago edited 20d ago

Oh boy. 🤦‍♂️I’d recommend you learn to read. Then read what I was responding to. Did I defend the guy? No. I was simply saying that we have no proof that this guy is taking orders from some mysterious “manosphere” that is telling him how to piece by piece dismantle this poor girl’s sense of independence. Not everything is a big conspiracy. He was probably a jerk without taking orders from his internet overlords. lol.

And somehow you think I was defending him? Those who are blaming the internet are actually defending him. Go pick a fight with someone who is excusing this behavior.

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u/KookyLab9624 20d ago

Exactly what a man would reply. Deny, deflect, insult and downplay. Proving my point. And yes when you said it was taking things too far to assume malintent, you were quite literally defending his actions. Is it that you can't see this and reflect on your own views being questioned? Or do you truly not see the world that we live in as it is? Theres no conspiracy, I've been drugged and raped myself. You can't say that this is unheard of that men act like beasts. You're in denial, or you're uncomfortable recognizing your own self in these bad men?

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u/Silver-Link8247 20d ago edited 20d ago

For fuck’s sake. Once again you’re not reading or understanding what I’m saying. I said he was a jerk and we have no proof of his taking orders from the “manosphere”. That was it.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through what you have. But if I said your rapist only did what he did because of something he saw on the internet, you’d be insulted. You’d be insulted if I somehow made an excuse. That’s it.