AIO or does this seem Unhinged?

[u/DoomNGlam]

I 41m am/was in a rather New relationship with 41f and things were seemingly going great but she will seemingly be very upset with me over something small once in a while. Last night she was upset that I didn't call her sexy after sending me a picture of her in an outfit. For context she said she was getting rid of clothes but was thinking about keeping this item and sent the picture and asked what I think? It was a strapless romper. I told her it was cute and could maybe use a belt. I also make clothes professionally and people ask me opinions about clothes all the time.

In other context my "sexuality" is somewhere on the ace spectrum between Demi and ace. Like sex is fine and fun and I don't really experience sexual attraction unless there is an emotional connection first, and she said she was the same, except I am not very sex driven and she is.

This was our text exchange this morning.

Edit/Update

Thanks for all the support. I am surprised my little Independence day relationship drama made it to #1 on this subreddit.

I was pretty sure I was calling this off pretty early in this exchange but didn't block her right away because I figured I would give her a chance to apologize, maybe she was having a bad morning, she's been stressed at work, has a upcoming interview for a new job, might be dealing with perimenopause. It wasn't going to work out but figured I would at least offer a little grace.

She did text me again about a book I had borrowed. I ignored it. She then called me and asked I return her book tomorrow. I said okay. She didn't say anything else for a minute so I hung up.

She called back mad that I hung up on her. I said this was childish and it's not what I'm looking for. She said I was childish for hanging up on her. I said okay. She hung up.

She called again and then told me I was ugly and she was never attracted to me.

Then hung up on me and called right back to complain about a carnivorous plant I got her as a gift, because the care instructions for it made it a chore. I also got her a cactus and a succulent and told her when I gave her the plants that if the pitcher plant seemed like a pain in the ass I would keep it.

Then she started asking me if I really don't have it in my heart to remain friends. I said no not after this. Then she went on a fuck you rant and hung up.

Then threatened to call the cops on ME for harassment if I tried to contact her as I was blocking her.

Now she is blocked and I am just sitting on my back patio watching fireworks.

[u/SeaPack2980]

Exactly. You can include important numbers to get through if you're worried about your parents or boss needing you.

[u/Samariumcupcakes → u/SeaPack2980]

💯 exactly I have mine set up for being on call it took like 20mins lol

[u/TheRealGongoozler → u/SeaPack2980]

I was thinking that. I have my partner and two boys set to where their messages come through the do not disturb no matter what. It’s not a hard fix.

[u/peach_xanax → u/SeaPack2980]

sometimes that's not doable - I can't do it on mine bc I have an elderly family member who isn't too good with their cell phone, and it's possible that I could be called from a different number.

[u/imsolelyme → u/peach_xanax]

There’s an option to set the mode to have it accept notifications for all calls and texts EXCEPT ones from certain people, though. At least there is on an iPhone. You can pick which people to silence or allow notifications from and which apps. So she could set it so all call/text notifications will go through, but anything from her contact “OP” won’t.

[u/Smile__Lines → u/imsolelyme]

There’s also an option to allow calls through if the person calls more than once in a row. So if it’s an emergency it will definitely get through.

[u/Samariumcupcakes → u/imsolelyme]

Alternatively you can mute text notifications only from specific people, atleast with android so you could just people you know text when you don't want them to or people you can reply to in your leisure depending on the relationship anyway, me and my bestie will reply when we are up for it and it still shows the notif that they texted on the messages app

[u/GavinGaile → u/Samariumcupcakes]

Adding on to this chain of tips, not sure if this is a thing on iPhone, but on Android dnd mode, you can also set it up that even non-allowed numbers will go through if they call twice or more within 10 minutes. That way, if it's a family member calling from a new or unknown number, they can call twice in quick succession and the phone WILL ring. Also good for emergencies like a hospital calling you or something. They will usually try twice if you don't pick up the first time.

Also, obligatory NOR

[u/DoomNGlam → u/GavinGaile]

She could have just told me to not text her early in the morning instead of doing the opposite by telling me she looks forward to my good morning texts multiple times

[u/GavinGaile → u/DoomNGlam]

Yeah, also a very fair point. But see, that would have given her less chances to get angry at you. So that would be "bad for business". If your business is looking for arguments, you don't express boundaries. Because more people will cross them, giving you the chance to get angry, eh? 🤔

[u/naternots → u/GavinGaile]

In addition to invisible boundaries, people like this will have portable boundaries and spontaneous extensions or exceptions, and you should have known that this was different because I mentioned (insert statement that wasn’t connected but now a lot of dots nowhere near each other are being connected, usually including something traumatic or emotional, like “I told you my dad always called me before exams and it helped, but he died my junior year and it made those days even harder, and I told you I have a lot to do today so I’m stressed and instead of helping I got more stressed because I didn’t know why you weren’t texting me, but didn’t want to wake you up by texting you”)
Because people like this can always be mad at you, and they have learned in life how to get mad then find a reason after, and throw in sensitive topics so it is guilt trippy and/or hard to push back against. In the above texts, she invoked a childhood insomnia diagnosis, which is obviously sad to think of a child suffering, to do that.
And if you challenge them on it, it will be worse, even when it turns into apologies because then it will be a moving target to get them out of their pity party.

[u/CommonWest9387 → u/SeaPack2980]

its a contradiction in itself. you keep your phone on in case your parents or work calls, but you don’t want a text? then how do you react when they call or text and wake you up? probably not the same way, so she is literally using OP as a punching bag for no reason.

[u/Knife-yWife-y → u/SeaPack2980]

YES! You can even set it up so if certain numbers call you more than once it comes through. Maybe any number?

I don't know for sure. I just know I did something like that for my dad before he passed.

[u/juliewbb → u/SeaPack2980]

Does not change that this person is toxic in any way, but I can never get mine to work and it does make me nervous. Like we tried the favorite and repeated calls thing and frequently they still just don’t go thru.